


Need to Mean It, Concede It

by hjbaltimore



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, HYDRA Trash Party, M/M, Praise Kink, Sexual Dysfunction, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-09 18:07:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6917668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hjbaltimore/pseuds/hjbaltimore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"You’re so beautiful. You’re so amazing Buck. What’d I ever do to deserve you,” he mumbled into to crook of Bucky’s neck, letting his voice drop as low it could, feeling the vibrations bounce off Bucky’s skin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bucky writhed underneath him. “You’re such an embarrassing sap,” he said, almost trying to sound annoyed, and failing.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Bucky just wants to have a normal sex life, one that Hydra took away to ensure a more compliant soldier. Steve just wants Bucky to be happy. When you're as starved for positive attention as Bucky is, only the gentlest touches will do.</p><p>
  <span class="small">For a prompt where Bucky can only get hard from praise and attention to non-erogenous parts of his body.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need to Mean It, Concede It

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the fluffiest, non-trashy trashy fic ever conceived. Still, fair warning, while there is **not** rape in this fic, _there are still allusions to Bucky's past abuse_ , which knowing Hydra included everything but the kitchen sink. And then probably the kitchen sink too.
> 
>  [The original prompt [X]:](http://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1634.html?thread=4133474#cmt4133474)  
> Having spent some time in the dumpster, I know Hydra did a number on Bucky's sex life. What I headcanon is some serious cbt/denial/milking etc that basically results in Bucky's broken dick. No amount of nice, romantic stim from Steve is gonna help - no boners for Bucky.
> 
> This is the well worn path around here. EXCEPT what I want is him and Steve stumbling across the fact that Bucky does get hard and can come untouched but only with a whole lot of praise and soft touches to traditionally non erogenous zones - carding his hair, rubbing the back of his neck, soft touches on the shoulder. Any attention to his dick/ass/nipples and his erection flags. Basically Hydra touch starved him so much that any of these gentle touches have become incredibly erotic.
> 
> \+ Bucky gets off to praise too - Steve whispering in his ear how good/brave he is   
>  ++ Steve getting achingly hard at watching Bucky spurt off without any erectile stimulation. How Steve/Bucky deal with Steve's arousal is up to the author

Steve figured it out by accident, and Bucky didn’t notice at all.  
  
Bucky had just pulled his mouth off Steve from a frustrated but determined blowjob. An hour and a half of Steve trying everything he could think of, and he still was the only one hard. So Bucky had shoved him down on the bed and took care of it, because if they were going to waste that much time, at least one of them should get to get off. Bucky’s words, not his.  
  
Well over a year, and no combination of drugs or therapy was working, and the stress of it all was wearing down resolve. The only reason Bucky hadn’t tried electrostimulation is because Steve had put his horrified foot down.  
  
_“Bucky, that’s what they do to wring sperm out of_ animals _.”_  
  
Bucky had only shrugged at that, and Steve had to go on a really, really long walk after that so he wouldn’t just burst out crying, or kill someone. Maybe both.  
  
Bucky grabbed a tissue and spit out whatever he hadn't swallowed. He glared at the ground and refused to look Steve in the eye, and normally this when he would let Bucky storm off and take out his frustration on a punching bag. But today he didn't move. He sat on his knees and hunched over, looking angrily defeated.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm done. I give up."

Steve was shocked at the actual words, but not surprised. Bucky really had run out of patience weeks ago and, bless his soul, still let Steve try every position, lube, toy, or kink they could think of. He should've probably respected Bucky's decision and tried support him the best he could. Instead, Steve immediately wrapped his arms around and hauled Bucky up into the bed with him.  
  
“It’s not your fault Bucky. S’not your fault. I love you I love you I love. So much.” He pressed his lips to his left hip, then the right. Steve kissed his way all the way up Bucky’s torso, all the while rubbing along Bucky’s clavicle with his thumbs. He could feel every little bump of scar tissue on the left side and he  _knew_ Bucky thought it was awful to look at, although he rarely said as much out loud.  
  
_“I don’t want to sound like a sad sack hormonal teenager, Steve. I’ll keep those thoughts to myself, thanks.”_  
  
But Steve stopped giving a fuck ages ago. “You’re so good. So beautiful, Bucky. I know you’re frustrated but we'll figure it out. Please don't give up. I love you.”  
  
“Jesus Christ Almighty, where is all this gooey sap coming from, Rogers? Save it for your motivational speeches.”  
  
Bucky was trying to brush him off with vocal contempt, but there was an edge of humor to it, and he didn’t ask Steve to stop. On the contrary, his body was slowly relaxing under Steve's hands. Steve redoubled his efforts, petting and caressing as lovingly as he could. But when he came up for air, to look Bucky in the eye so he knew how much he meant it, the man had fallen asleep.  
  
Steve huffed. He considered waking Bucky up, just to be a little shit. Here he was trying to be doting and loving and Bucky had the nerve to fall asleep on him. Steve rolled his eyes and went to pull the blanket over top them both when he saw it.  
  
_Oh._  
  
Bucky was stiff. It was quickly going soft, but it was still there. What they’d tried and failed to do for months. Steve was too stunned to move for another solid five minutes.

\-----

Steve was still in a state of shock at breakfast.  
  
And because Steve was the absolute worst and knew it, he stared intently at Bucky’s pert little ass, clad only in a pair of tight boxers when he got up to pull a couple boxes of Pop-Tarts from the cabinet. But still in shock.  
  
(The future was so great. They never had to cook again if they didn’t want to. They could just down 2000 calories worth of colorful sugar crap for breakfast and nobody gave a shit.)  
  
His mind was racing a mile a minute, thinking about when the best time to bring it up would be. He needed to time it right. If he propositioned Bucky at the wrong moment, he'd ruin Bucky’s good mood and Steve wouldn’t get to try anything. He didn’t want Bucky to think Steve was being selfish, since just yesterday Bucky had “given up”.  
  
Like, he _was_ selfish. He wouldn’t deny that. Steve wanted sex, and lots of it, but not with just anyone. He wanted it with Bucky, and he wanted Bucky to want it too. To be able to act on that want of his own free will, whenever he wanted. Because if Steve was the only one getting off every time, it wasn’t sex, it was masturbation. And Steve could just masturbate by himself and there would be a lot less frustration. But Steve would be damned before he let Hydra ruin something so great. They were _not_ going to take this from them. Steve knew, he knew what those bastards had done Bucky, all the creative tortures. Anything to kick a man down who couldn't fight back anyway. But he also knew how much Bucky wanted to get a sense of normalcy. To regain what he'd lost, and to spare them both the relentless disappointment of trying so hard just to fail again.   
  
So he waited until Bucky’s mouth was full of their shit sugar breakfast. He wouldn’t be able to shoot Steve down immediately. He’d actually have to think about it for two seconds.  
  
“Bucky, I think we should give it another shot today. I want to try something new.”  
  
Bucky, with all his tact and grace, immediately said something snarky, spitting little bits of food out while he did it. It took a minute of furious chewing, but he finally swallowed, and rested his arm on the table like he was ready to start a bar fight.  
  
“You're shitting me. Why?”  
  
Steve smiled. “You didn’t notice because you feel asleep, which was very rude by the way, last night. You got like, a third of the way hard.”  
  
“Bullshit.”  
  
“Swear to God.”  
  
“You got some nerve invoking God in this, Mr. America Choir Boy Wonder.”  
  
“That was quite a nickname you threw out there.”  
  
“It’s your _only_ nickname now, from here until the end of time.”  
  
“So is that a yes?”  
  
Bucky rolled his eyes so hard he could probably see his own brain. He blew some hair out of his eyes and took in a deep, deep breath.  
  
“How could I say no to Mr. America?”

\-----

Steve got them both naked, slowly striping, kissing each joint on Bucky’s body that he uncovered. Cautiously, he gave a few experimental tugs until Bucky swatted him away.  
  
“You know damn well that doesn’t work. Quit embarrassing me."

Steve pulled back. "Okay, okay. No touching Bucky’s precious weenie.”  
  
Bucky’s scalp turned pink. It was the only part of him that blushed anymore, even though as a kid Bucky’s whole damn body used to get in on it. He glared at Steve.  
  
“M’sorry, I’m sorry! No teasing either. I promise. This is all about you. Just tell me what feels good, alright?”  
  
Bucky closed his eyes and sighed. “Steve…”  
  
“Hold that thought.”  
  
Steve pushed Bucky back down on the bed. He crawled over top, and looked Bucky straight in the eyes, right where he’d left off last night.  
  
“I love you, Bucky. I really, really do. More than anything. Just relax, okay?”  
  
Steve pressed a soft kiss to Bucky’s forehead, running his fingers over his soft, long hair. It smelled like cucumber melon, the remnants of some fad they’d both managed to miss around the turn of the century. The other Avengers had no problem making fun of them for being “a whole different kind of old” when they were trying out all these ancient trends, but Steve thought it actually kind of suited Bucky. Steve only used it because they shared the same soap for simplicity’s sake. Personally, Steve’s vice was a growing collection of slap bracelets, half of which were curled around every handle or lamp or bedpost in the apartment.

Steve worked through all the strands, un-pulling any knots or lumps, re-tangling it again as he curled it around his fingers. Bucky leaned in to the touch, eyes fluttering shut, and Steve took the chance to kiss each eyelid so, so gently. He massaged Bucky's scalp until Bucky let out a soft, almost whiny moan.   
  
“Steve-”  
  
“Shh. Let me take care of you.”  
  
Today, Steve worked his way down. Steve dragged his hands down Bucky's hair, his touch lingering as long as they both had patience for. He curled his thumbs around the sides of Bucky's head, and brushed the sensitive spots behind his ears while giving feathery kisses along Bucky's jawline. Bucky still had his eyes closed, but he didn't look ready to fall asleep. Thank god. Instead, his mouth opened in an ‘O’ shape, letting out short huffs of air.  
  
Steve pulled his hands down, he had to try something. He brushed his fingers over Bucky’s nipples, and while there wasn’t any seriously negative reaction, Bucky definitely didn’t let out any sounds of pleasure either. He cupped Bucky's ass, circling his hole. They'd tried this a thousand times before but Steve needed to be positive. Sure enough, Bucky felt soft underneath him, losing any arousal Steve had managed to build up in the last few minutes. So much for that. Steve put one hand back in Bucky’s hair, and the other on the back of Bucky’s neck, smoothing away any tension he felt.  
  
“Hey, it's alright. You’re so amazing Buck. So beautiful. What’d I ever do to deserve you,” he mumbled into to crook of Bucky’s neck, let his voice drop as low he could, feeling the vibrations bounce off Bucky’s skin.  
  
Bucky writhed underneath him. “You’re such an embarrassing sap,” he said, almost trying to sound annoyed, and failing.

He tilted Bucky's head up and nuzzled his own hair against Bucky's jaw, humming.   
  
Steve cradled Bucky’s head in his hands and kissed the very tip of his nose, his temple, and then started to nibble a little as his right ear. “You’re so, so good for me, Buck. Lettin’ me explore you, staying down so I can take care of you. You’re amazing. The best guy I know. _My_ best guy.”  
  
His hips bucked up against Steve, leaving a little smear of pre-cum on Steve’s thigh.  
  
Steve lowered his head down between Bucky’s pecks and just rested it there, hands still on Bucky’s head. “Look at you. Look at yourself Buck, I knew you could do it. Knew you could. So amazing. My best guy, my gorgeous guy.”  
  
“ _Steve_...” Bucky moaned, hands scrabbling at Steve’s back, finally resting on his shoulder blades.

"So amazin', Buck. I can't get enough of you."

Steve moved further down, sweeping his hands over each taut muscle, every little bump and imperfection on Bucky’s skin. Bucky actually shivered, his breathing growing more erratic with each passing minute. It was too much, watching Bucky come apart at these sweet, gentle touches. He was getting too much and not enough all at the same time, and he keeps trying to pull the two of them closer together. And god, Steve wants nothing more than rub up against Bucky in all the filthiest ways imaginable but it's not  _about_ that right now. That would undo everything, and so Steve pulls himself back, trying his best to ignore Bucky's unhappy little whimpers. He spreads his palms and slides them up and down Bucky's full body in sync with each other, from shoulders to knees, to the sides and the back and the front touching each side at once. Bucky was working himself up as much as Steve was, sometimes forgetting to breathe and taking in huge gulps of air after realizing it.

Steve peaked downwards, and Bucky was rock hard; red and angry looking, sitting flat against his belly.  
  
“C’mon Buck. C’mon. Just a little more. Just a bit more. God, you’re incredible. Look at you. Most beautiful fella I ever seen.”  
  
“I _can’t._ ”  
  
“You can. You _can_. Ain’t no one in the world can do what you do. Could stay like this forever. Love you so damn much.”  
  
Bucky let out a hiccup, like he’d been crying or something. Steve returned to place a dozen quick kisses to Bucky’s forehead, and took a quick glance down. No tears, but that didn’t mean they weren’t ready to burst out.  
  
“Let go, Buck. Just let go. I got you. No one gonna hurt you or use you ever again. You deserve all this, okay? All this and more. I’d spend all day telling you what I love about every individual cell in your body if I could. God, you’re so amazing. So strong. They tried to burn all that beauty out of you Bucky but you held on. You held on so long, still holding on…”  
  
Bucky was really crying now. Steve could feel them both getting slick with tears. Steve took a chance and went for Bucky’s lips. Not a straight on lip lock, no tongue or wet open mouths. Just a gentle peck to the corner of Bucky’s mouth.  
  
Bucky sobbed. With one last swing of his hips, he came hard and messy, painting Steve’s abs sticky white.

Steve felt like  _he_ could come just from the sight of it. 

( _Later,_ he tells himself.  _Next time. A little blue balls is worth it._ )  
  
“God, Bucky.”  
  
“M’sorry. Sorry,” he gasped.  
  
Steve buried himself back in Bucky’s hair. “What are you sorry about? Don't be sorry. Didn't do nothing wrong. That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Buck. Jesus, I love you so much. So damn much, you have no _idea,_ gorgeous. They tried to burn all this out of you but you came anyway. Christ, Bucky. So strong. Bravest guy I know. What’d I ever do without you?”  
  
Bucky clutched at Steve’s back harder, and wrapped his legs around Steve too.

Neither of them noticed as they drifted off.

\-----

Steve woke up to the early afternoon sun sliced through the shades, and a metal digit poking at his side.  
  
“Steve, I can’t breathe.”  
  
He smirked. “Sorry.” He didn’t move, just nuzzled at Bucky’s stubble.  
  
Bucky swatted at his back. “Get offa me, you big lug. I need to piss. And breathe.”  
  
“Don’t wanna.”  
  
Bucky rolled them over, and peeled himself off Steve with a nasty _splurch_ sound from the dried up cum between them.  
  
“Jeez, it wasn’t just a dream huh?”  
  
Steve beamed. “Nope.”

Bucky scrubbed his hands over his face and took a shuddered breath inwards. Steve frowned, made a move to his put hand on Bucky's back and ask him what was wrong. Bucky flopped over top of him and buried his head into the pillow just next to Steve's head.

"They just, they never touched me, you know? Unless they had to. Was always just orders. Hitting or pushing."

Steve's body went rigid. He didn't even want to take a breath because he knew. What Bucky had gone through. What little justice the words "hitting" and "pushing" did to convey the shear torture Bucky had been subject to. Steve had poured through too many files and journals and films and photos to count, and studied all of them to hell and back. And Bucky knew Steve knew, no matter how much Bucky wished otherwise.

"They didn't even trust me to shower on my own, after the first time I escaped. They'd just hose me down when I got too dirty. Didn't trust me to do anything, really, without Fennhoff to keep me on a leash. 's when things got bad, you know. When he died. I wasn't their 'American Spy' anymore. I was just the Soldier. An asset."

"Buck..."

"I think even when my brain was mush I was always hurtin' for you."

Bucky kissed Steve, soft on the lips. There was no charge behind it. Just pure, unconditional affection.

Bucky pulled back, wrinkled his nose and feigned disgust. “You made me talk like a mopey teenager. You’re going to pay for that later, Rogers.”  
  
Steve laughed. “You’ll never get an apology out of me, Barnes. I meant every damn, sappy word.”  
  
“Whatever you say, Mr. America Choir Boy Wonder.”

**Author's Note:**

> bucky+an inhuman amount of suffering+schmaltzy disgusting fluffy recovery= the only party I wanna be a part of
> 
> I think i added about a 1000 words when transferring this over here. also I'm on tumblr [here [X]](http://hjbaltimore.tumblr.com) and [here [X].](http://thewinterboulder.tumblr.com)


End file.
